Applause

The auditorium was full. He was standing by a pillar backstage. He was jittery but was putting on a calm face. This was his first public appearance. His first stint with a live audience. Majority of people in the audience were teenagers, some accompanied by their relatives. He was going to perform "Hotel California" by eagles. There were supposed to be three guitarists. Two acoustic, including himself and one electric guitar. They also had one drummer. Matter of factly, they were all novices. They had come this far and he was more than aware of the cynicism in a lot of eyes. The only anchor he had was he himself. The band was also having strained relationship for the past month. They were not prepared for the event but somehow found themselves backstage due to a string of events with them in the middle. His throat was dry. His ears lobes were on fire. He was wearing a plain white formal shirt with denim and an old pair of sneakers. His six string was lying besides him. He loved his six string. He had bought it after two months of conscience saving, which meant no movies, no pubs, lesser cigarettes. ad nauseum. The sound of the competing vocalist was in a distant background and he was too much lost in his own chain of thoughts. His mind was wafting in a turbulent stream of thoughts. Like an orphan leaf in angry waters he just let his mind wander. He was the last act of the event. He still had the memory of the first time he had picked up the six string. He had been hooked on to slow metal, grunge, classic rock and country from his teens. Whenever he went to a concert with his friends he would stand in the front and play his invisible guitar with his nimble fingers to an invisible audience. The memory of each concert lingered for a month and then was replaced with a new memory of a new concert. Music was the only thing that he felt for. He had a song for every moment. He would sing in his head all day. Being an introvert and reserved guy, music was the only true friend he had ever known. During college he bought his first guitar as here he was all-alone, away from the scrutinizing eyes of his parents. He used to download the chords from internet and would go back to his room with a sheaf of chords. He would then painstakingly try to play them. But without any formal training, the music just didn't came that easy. Earlier it used to sound horrible, but he never let it go. He kept at it and then one day a fellow room mate finally said" Why don't you play, what you just played!" He had got rhythm! He was more than willing to play in front of his first fan. Then he approached a few guys who had mastered the act. He urged them to take him in their band. Band was a little skeptical in letting in a complete novice. But seeing his enthusiasm they finally yielded and he got the role of background strummer. A substitute. An extra. He would sit through all the sessions and keenly observe and take it all in. The band was predominantly a local act and played mostly soulful romantic hindi numbers. He slowly talked them into experimenting with western genre. Although hesitant, they gave it a try. Though the vocalist was damn good with hindi numbers, somehow his voice could not shriek, it could not grunge and was inherently not western. He would hum alongside the lead vocalist and gradually started overshadowing him. By this time he had got a few supporters within the band and hence he started his very own band. THE MOKSHA. He was the lead vocalist and handled rhythm. Band would practice after college and would keep at it till late in the night. Somehow he never got tired. And then came his big moment, a national level western music competition. They rehearsed and rehearsed till their fingers hurt(sometimes bled). Being an autonomous band, they had little financial backing and hence they pooled in money, emptied their coffers and bought gibson strings, stranger distortions, good pair of sibels and other paraphernalia. Moksha was all set for their first professional competition. The compere announced the name of the band and he like a zombie walked on to the stage. The lights were blinding. He could not see anything. The band settled themselves on the stage. He took a deep sigh, smiled at his fellow band members and whispered in the mike." Hi! this is Moksha. We r gonna play hotel california, by eagles for you. Hope you like it. Thank You." The mike chortled a little bit. He adjusted his guitar sling. A nod to fellow guitarists and they unleashed. He had his eyes closed during the most time and opened it completely only in the last part where the vocalist fades away and the electric and the acoustic guitars move on into a soulful jamming session. His heart was pounding with every riff on the six string. At last, as they had practised for so many times, they reached a crescendo and then stopped, all at once, the last strum on electric guitar, the last strum on the acoustic and the last hit on the sibble and they stopped in tandem. There was a dead silence and then an uproar, an applause. He bowed down and said "Thank You. Thank you so very much." He came down and was in a sea of people. Some saying” good job, dude" "nice" "beautiful". He just smiled. He was shivering from inside. He just wanted to disappear. He came out of the auditorium and came out of the college campus. He sat on a bench at a local teashop and lit his cigarette. He had an "orgasmic feeling" at the time of applause and he was still breathing heavily. He gave himself time to calm down. Now he could not muster enough courage to go back and see what the jury had decided. A part of him was not even interested in the jury as he was his own jury. And his jury was happy to put it euphemistically. But he had to go. And so he did go inside. The results were still not out. He caught up with the band and they sprawled in the lawn. There were huge screens erected in the lawns and were giving live update of all the events. The band was happy and no one said anything. Some were eating and some were drinking. Suddenly the results were being announced. The second runner up, they weren't there. Everyone looked at each other; each had a peculiar expression hanging on his face. The second runner up- they weren't there. And the winner-it was them, it was he.

Sunrise

Cozy slumber, virgin morning, crumpled sheets, soothing shower, filling breakfast, tiring but purposeful bus ride, casual laughs, innocent thoughts, languid walks, refreshing ambitions, placid eyes, gripping books and meanderings in general are what comprise my days. Hitherto unexplored options have been conceived to be worked upon. A feeling of finally getting ready for the final act in front of an audience of your own conscience. Indolency which was the result of mere inaction, mediocrity which was the result of giving in, snug feeling born out of grotesque murder of radically rebellious thoughts are giving way to a joust with your own self.

He dived in the ocean of chances
To pull out a pearl
He analyzed the horizons
And sauntered the dunes
He cried in anguish
He calmed in peace
He prayed in silence
Down on his knees
A flame was he protecting
Thousand deaths would he die
Emerge like a phoenix
To be charred again by the world
Sleep he wont sleep
Misery he shall endure
Is the man
Who shall live his dream.

Its raining

Its been raining in Delhi. Last evening as I stood outside in the evening, I could actually feel the small pristine droplets on my face and then a gentle gush of wind would pat my face. It felt like a lost voyager on a broken boat in the middle of a sea, but still content and so at peace. It was a strange feeling and my mind; desultory as usual could not make much out of it. I stood in the drizzle for a long time. The azure sky was overcast and I did was lost in that gripping moment. A couple of my office colleagues walked past me and gave me a wry look as if they could not make out why would someone as introvert as me would be smiling perennially. I just let the people pass. Sometimes I think people are not too comfortable with me. And even those who try do not succeed in getting more than the monologue syllables from me. Rain does bring back longiness and yearning with it. He could feel the last time he was with her, which was the time when he was leaving for the last time. There they stood outside a crowded station. He wanted to let go off all they had been thru and just be in her arms but still the hand of fate would stop him with all its might and he felt helpless. She wanted to come inside the station to see him off but he said no. She persisted and he resisted. As he started walking towards the station he could feel her slip away. It was as if he was tearing himself off from her embrace. I guess it did hurt both of them. Rains should not rain where hearts are still mending.

Misplaced Priorities

This was coming for a long time. Now-a-days you turn on the idiot box and all you see is a second by second monitoring of a B grade politician's son who probably got high on some spurious mix of coke and heroine, also termed as Dr. Feel good, hard candy, white boy, train etc. Now this makes me ask just a simple question? Are we concerned about the root issue, that is prevalence of drugs in the Indian subcontinent or are we concerned about what's happening in the bungalows of rich/powerful and not so famous? Well if we are concerned about the drugs, then why the hell have we been in such a deep slumber all this while. I mean its not that coke has hit India for the very first time! Right this moment as I am punching these words on my keyboard, someone somewhere might be shooting up or snorting the same poison and getting high? I am amazed at the level of double standards we are keeping? Neither are we worried about the use of drugs and nor are we concerned about the root cause? All we are concerned about is some news about what the rich and famous are doing? Talk about misplaced priorities! I mean we are talking about the prime time coverage! Some guys hide behind the fact that we are just watching what media is feeding us. Well my friend, let me tell you one simple fact, Media is gonna dish out only these dishes which you savour! Just because we guys have our eyes glued to that piece of news, hence the increase in TRP and hence the perpetual pollution of our living rooms with a news which is not even worth page 11 of a zonal newspaper and that too for a couple of days. Its time we get up and smell the coffee. Lets get our priorities straight and stop being hypocrites. Is this kid worth so much attention? The cause sure needs a lot of attention and introspection, which is very innocently going to evade our moral conscience. We need to educate people about drugs and their effects, we need to have proper checks at all our ports and airports to prevent the poison from hitting our country and lets have more stringent laws about drug peddling and its use. These are the things that we need to focus on. But alas we will again forget everything and just be us.

Balancing Act

Twas a lazy day. Been too much pre-occupied with thinking, what are the new set of things that I can do, which will keep me occupied in a constructive way. Have come up with a rough itinerary so far! The only thing that puts you off is people who have a closed mindset and will just not experiment. As they say change is always seen in a very nihilistic way by people who would be affected by that change. But i guess even if you want to be constant or remain the same, still you would have to change so as to keep pace in a relative sense with the ever changing world, otherwise you would be a vegetable. I have also observed that people always move in a "tidal" way all their lives. At least this applies to me. All the times in my life, when I felt too straitjacketed, it was an indication of a phase, a liberation phase that would be around the corner. On introspection, it simply meant that my actions have been to conservative for quite a while and I was not performing the ideal way. And whenever everything in my life seemed too perfect, it was a sign that either I had become too casual or was on a wrong path. And it was a beacon for testing times that would and sure did come. That is, I was too overwhelmed with the imminent scenario and was going out of control. Simply put I was driving a vehicle with my legs sprawled on the steering!!!! I believe life has a testing and a repairing mechanism, which is basically meant to keep us lesser mortals humble. Except for a few, most of us get carried away by the situations which are unfolding around us and we get too overwhelmed by them. This makes us callous and the callous nature in turn is balanced by a situation, which balances our past set of actions, by demanding from us a more balanced set of actions. Imagine if everything was hunky-dorey in your life. All the actions were right. You were at the right placed at the right time and you slept a happy man. May be if you sit back and envisage your life when you are old, then maybe you would concur with the above theme. But again this is an overall picture and to get this balancing act there were so many inherent corrective measures that you took or were forced to take. No one can carry on without faltering and that’s the best part about life. You Goof Up. Every one does. The only example I can think off is a “tight-rope walk”. We are all walking the tightrope of life and if after taking two, three, four, six balanced strides we get callous we will fall. If we are too shit scared, then also we will fall. The trick is to be calm and focused. A couple of balanced steps should not overwhelm you and the tightrope it itself should also not overwhelm you to such an extent that you are freezed. And what does luck do? Its like a gush of wind coming from right when you are too stooped towards left on that “tight-rope”, and similarly it may be a gush of wind coming from left when you are too stooped towards right. That is life gives us a balancing act. It is up to us to realize and see the signs and get back on track. I don’t know if was able to put it across in a succinct way. But then again I may be forgiven for my ramblings, as they are just the ponderings of a perpetually perplexed mind.

Nah! This ain’t for me.

Do you know what you want to do in your life? I for one have no clue what my calling in life is? And today was one of those days when the realization of this fact comes on the surface of your usually numb mind and starts startling you into spasms of incoherent ramblings. Let me take you back in the memory lane, when I was a kid I wanted to be an Olympics diver. I used to be in the pool for hours after school and would do all kind of crazy dives like forward somersault, backward somersault, Inverted dive, Half twist, back dive etc. Somehow at that point of time neither I pursued it with the level of sincerity it demanded nor was I clear of the way to do it. Then during school days I used to be a good elocuter and wanted to be a professional speaker. Again i was not at the right place at the right time. Then came college days and I started dabbling with six strings. Started singing as well. I used to shriek in the nights in the hostel lavatories coz I used to get good acoustic effects there. I used to stand in front of the eight huge mirrors with my guitar hanging by my neck. I started writing my own songs as well. I still recall my first songs were all about the war in Kashmir, prostitution, drugs and bad company. I really felt connected in a strange way. Won a couple of events in Northern India college fests. Again I goofed up and the band split. I did play alone for a while but then it stopped appealing to me. It just stopped giving me the rush. I just couldn’t do it anymore. Now I am working and I don't like the job. There's nothing wrong with the job but my expectations with myself are a little too steep. I envy and at the same time respect the people who have found their true calling in life. But I know its just one of those phases, which sends some ripples in your otherwise tranquil waters. I will again go numb and quite in my head, and I know that. But deep down inside I will delve into depths and will one day find that solitaire from the dark realms of my murky sea of mind. That solitaire is called TRUE CALLING. So those of you who have it, cherish it and those who don't, welcome aboard friends, you ain't alone.

Anger Management

Now what is it about anger? Why do we get it? Why do I for one get it so often? I believe anger comes from shattered expectations. “Expectations” is the key word here. If I have no expectations from myself or from any specific person, I can never get angry. If one is able to master this simple fact you can have that infectious smile always. Now I in no ways am hinting at the people who fake it, when deep down inside they might be like a raging bull with shining red amber horns and nostrils guzzling smoke like a steam engine. I am referring to the serene smile, which makes you envious of the tranquil state of mind the other person has attained. I used to get very furious and I still do sometimes on trivial issues till the time I realized the damage it was doing to me. As a matter of fact I was getting troubled on multiple fronts. Firstly someone/something pisses me off, secondly I get angry and that anger puts me in a dormant state and thirdly in that dormant state I do stupid things which in turn jeopardize me again in different ways. It has been proven beyond doubt that when you are angry, your actions/words and behavior are what you would not have done consciously. Its like your mind is like a car and when you get angry you are carjacked. The carjacker first comes in your car without your permission. It then forces the steering of your conscious mind out of your hands and then it steers your car into a rock not before fleeing safely outside. Hence the only person you are harming by getting angry is you. Or lets put it this way, always drive your car (that is yourself) with your doors (places from where Mr. Anger can barge in) locked. Nowadays if something pushes me off balance, I calm myself down my stretching my palms and exhaling a deep breath. As per my experience if in the first 30 seconds, from the time you can sense that you are angry, you can subdue it somehow and then you can steer clear of any roadblocks, which might crash you. And believe you me, this works. Lets call it "30 sec rule" * Stretch your palms * Exhale a deep breath * Smile a warm smile. Smile is your victory. Most of the times people will entice you into playing their useless games by serving you a volley and expecting a return. If you return then you are indicating that you are game for their stupid charade and thus you belittle yourself further. By smiling we are simply saying" no thanx". So lets get the anger out of our precious heavenly bodies and lets smile

Beneath The Moon

Yesterday I spoke to a very important person in my life after quite a hiatus. Sometimes in life we don’t even realize the kind of effect certain individuals leave on us. Every one has some one in their life, just the mention of whose name would lift you up to a different plane altogether. I am not mature enough to interpret what exactly is love? Is it a feeling wherein you can do anything for that other person just to make sure that he/she is good and happy! Is it a feeling wherein whenever you get #$@% up in life, you know that all that you need to do is be with that person and he/she with fill up all your empty reservoirs and you don’t feel that sick about urself anymore! Is it a feeling when you look forward to spending more and more time and you want every fraction of that second that you are together to be absolutely special? Imagine a life, which is filled up of all these special seconds and each second is so true, so special, and so much yours. My take on love may be taken as schmaltz, too maudlin, too ethereal and stuff movies are made of. But I disagree. Just because you are afraid of deep waters, gives you no right to proclaim that swimming in deep unchartered waters is not exhilarating. Too many times in our life we give in to mediocrity and programme our self to operate in a way which is very mediocre, because you can't falter when you are a mediocre. Only people who have goofed up in life were the ones who were not mediocre. They wanted to see what was there on the other side. Coming back to the theme of today’s blog, I think that just because not too many people have actually derived the true powers of love, true love is dying a slow death. Love for me is like a radioactive uranium fuel. It can give you so much positive energy that you can't even fathom. True love can transform you, in and out, towards being a better person. At the same time, if you play around with this uranium it can explode in your face like an atom bomb and leave you in shreds. A few quotes: "You don't marry someone you can live with - you marry the person who you cannot live without." -Unknown "A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous." -Ingrid Bergman "True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen." -La Rochefoucauld "Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition." -Alexander Smith "Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own house. Give love to your children, to your wife or husband, to a next-door neighbor... Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting." -Mother Theresa Keep love alive amigos! Bye for now

This one's to all the great teachers

All of us at some point of time in our life, might have had come across people in our life who are good raconteur's. But then there's people who would repeat the same stories over and over again with the same finesse, same sincerity. I always used to get bored to death in front of such people, but only till the time I was unaware of the bigger meaning. A friend of mine told me that this particular trait of repeating a point, is usually seen in TEACHERS.

There are two kinds of teachers, one by profession and the other by nature. I have come across veterans in my life who have been the best teachers in my life because the kind of lessons they taught me about life are going to stay with me and will be the guiding light in my life. Now, what’s the point of narrating the same thing the same story with the same moral a zillion times!

Do you know a basic concept of human mind? Let me give you three words:
1) Shabd (word)
2) Arth (meaning)
3) Gyan (knowledge)

Now the first time I hear a sentence I (human mind) comprehend the words. Simultaneously, I decipher the words and the words with their respective sense give that sentence or that narration a coherence. All my life I just went till step two, i.e. shabd (word) and arth (meaning). The irony is, without gyan the two become too mechanical and will seem repetitive. Let me quote an example, one of my teachers used to say” I always wanted the latest sneakers till the time I saw a man without feet". Now after being said so many times over a period of years we used to get bored out of the same old clichéd statement. Then after a couple of years, when I had just joined my new job, I used to crib about my job, ambience, salary, colleagues. I was just not happy. Then one day I met a friend of mine who has been a very smart chap, very good in academics and etc. Because of some goof up in his life this guy was now on street. Suddenly the words" "I always wanted the latest sneakers till the time I saw a man without feet" started sounding like a buggle in my head and it made sense to me in a way it never had. Now I had got the gyan of these words and I say these words often in my head when life confronts me with similar situations. I didn’t know how many people would agree with me, but for me shabd and arth are complete only when you get the gyan in them. Now whenever I am sitting with an oldie prof/teacher or uncle and they tell me some anecdotes which probably I know by heart, I still smile and the smile comes from inside as now I have the gyan and have had probably used that gyan as a rope to pull myself up from the dark valleys of dilemma.

Luck made no one lucky

I am back and it’s been a hectic and very busy weekend. As a matter of fact it was all office. I had to travel to two small towns where we had collaborated with a local artist (Bhagwant Mann) and i had to manage the events as part of my marketing assignment.

It was a 50 hrs day for me as I could hardly catch a wink. Because of some screw up on the travel agents side and an acute paucity of time, I had to hitchhike, experience the Haryana roadways at its worst and was part of a group which managed to stay up (20 of us) in a three wheel locomotive(auto).

Reached home at 0300 in the morning on Sunday and am back to office on Monday. I like the way my job is keeping me all preoccupied. Last night after the show, I with a friend of mine went for a walk as I was too tired and wanted some fresh air. As we got talking we stumbled upon the cul-de-sac, that is "do you believe in luck".

Let me ask you, why are you reading this post? You could have had done so many other things like read a book, listened to music, cooked food or just slept etc. But subconsciously you eliminated all other options and stuck with reading this post. Now lets go a little back and let me take my own example, as I want to be specific. Why did I go for an engineering degree when I cud have done so many other things? Because I eliminated all other options and stuck with engg. Why did I learn guitar and not drums...because I subconsciously eliminated all other options and stuck with guitar? Let me go a little more back...when I was a toddler...even at that point of my life there were enormous permutations and combinations of the choices that each second threw in front of me...But at that point of time my parents made these eliminations and choices for me. For e.g. when to take me out of the cradle and put on the couch...mother cud have let me there or cud have done something else...

Lets go back a little more. Now before I was born, did my parents had a choice of having me as their baby? NO Did I had a choice to be born to them? NO This is what I was getting at.....

WHEN YOUR BEGINNING IS A FLUKE THEN YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS FLUKE.

Every point of second every individual has an enormous set of options he can explore...He can run, he can sleep, he can join a dating group, he can do drugs, he can kill himself, he can stand here not there.....but why every second of our life we choose one thing over and above a zillion options and each options cud have changed your course of LIFE? I have one more point, So many times we see a beggar or someone in need and we generously give alms to that person. And so many times we just walk away? Do we have a benchmark of how much misery is alms worthy? What I am saying is, we were destined to be a medium of helping a set of people in our lives and we do that. As for the other needy people they too will be helped in the similar way by someone else becoming their medium. You would ask, coz I did, are we all small parts of a big plan? Are we all being manipulated into doing a particular set of deeds? Frankly speaking, I don't know? All I know is this that luck is GOD and GOD is luck. Because when something good happens to you and you don’t expect it, either you say, I was lucky or GOD is great. Hence God and Luck are same things. They are the mysterious force, the unseen hand, the master craftsman. But this in no way means that if everything is manipulated than why bother. Because you are destined to do as per your Karma. I for one believe in one thing very strongly....the most important thing in life is GOOD DEEDS,GOOD KARMA. As long as you do GOOD DEEDS, i think that the cosmic balance would be balanced and everything would be hunkey dorey.

We will discuss cosmic balance some other day. Right now I need to get back to work coz it’s a Monday and my desk is already messed up with post-its and a lot of mail. Bye for now.

Whose seat is it anyways?

My new job requires me to travel for a solid 1.5 hrs one way, which includes 30 minutes by Delhi's metro and another 60 min by local bus. Now I do understand that for all the people going to work getting a comfy seat is damn tempting. But for Christ sake how can we guys (that too not all) be all chivalrous to part with our seats for a girl but same does not goes if the person standing is an old dirty looking guy who is trembling and cant even stand straight or a poor lady with a baby etc. The most ironic part is that most of the youngsters turn a blind eye and pretend as if they can’t see it all. Why are we turning into animals?

And now lets put you (yeah you dude or you not so dude) on the pedestal. Imagine 20 years from now when you would be probably 50 yrs. You are traveling my a local transportation system and there are these kids all sprawled up on the seats. Now that you don't have the strength so you get tired and your hands start aching. Your palms are sweating and people around you are suffocating you to a choking puke.

Now my friend do you realize that in life its good to GIVE and see the smile on other peoples face. How good would it be if all understand this simple point of life while we are in our prime rather than retrospecting it the tough way when we are old?

If the system and moral values are eroding its because no one is doing anything about it.

Do you remember the beautiful formations we used to form during republic day celebrations, on the ground for that magnificent aerial view? We were just supposed to stand in the said position. and when everyone did it the formation became a magnificent beauty. Same is the case with reforming the system.

We all have to do our small teeny-weeny part for e.g.
*DO NOT OGGLE AT FEMALES
*BE COURTEOUS AND SOFT SPOKEN
*DO NOT LITTER IN PUBLIC
*BE PROUD OF YOUR COUNTRY

Now the above said things just require that initial conscious effort and once that initial thrust is provided you cruise in your daily life with all these values strongly embedded in your moral fabric and you become a responsible citizen. Imagine if everyone does it, what place would we be living in? Please think, it really is a small thing but can have a BIG effect.

toddler's step

I cannot recollect the memories of me taking my first step, I guess mom would be able to reminisce it in a more coherent manner.

But as far as I can remember my first stupor, my first swim, my first guitar song, my first crush, my first heartbreak, my first big failure, my first stage performance, my first stint with cops, my first bike, my first novel, my first favorite band, my first tattoo and now my first blog. It sure does not seem a big deal but I guess it’s a strange new dimension and will settle down. Its like a new baby to which you will get used to in such an addictive way that you can't even fathom it right now.

Any which ways le me do it jus because I want to.